You Know – It Really ISN’T Normal…

Condoning and excusing a behavior leads society to believe that the behavior is normal.

(originally published as a Facebook Note on October 14, 2016)

TRIGGER WARNING

There are graphic and explicit terms used in this. Topics discussed include rape, sexual assault, abusive relationships, and victim blaming.

Let’s talk about by so many people are so utterly pissed off about the things Donald Trump has said, shall we?

I’ll start by recapping.

Most of you know that The Washington Post published a 2005 recording last week. In the recording, Trump is heard talking to Billy Bush and others.

If you want a verbatim transcript (and to watch the video), you can go here: Transcript

Many have excused Trump (and his cohorts in the recording) by saying it’s just the way men talk. You know, it’s just locker room talk. No harm, right?

Here’s the thing. I’ve been around men and that locker room talk. And when men are talking, they tend to say things they’d like to do to a woman:

• I’d like to fuck her.
• I’d like to bend her over.
• I’d like to pound that ass.

Please understand that I’m not condoning that kind of talk. Hell, I’m guilty of talking of talking like that (about men).

But Trump wasn’t talking about what he’d like to do to a woman. He was explaining what he does to women.

Specifically, he said:

You know, I’m automatically attracted to beautiful – I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait. And when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything. Grab ‘em by the pussy. You can do anything.

A lot of people are saying things like, “I don’t see the problem. So he talked about grabbing a woman. Big deal!”

But it is a big deal. No, really. It is. Because he didn’t just say he wanted to kiss or grab a woman. He said he’s DONE it.

Since that tape was released, more stories have emerged about his actions toward women over the years (walking in on naked pageant contestants, for example) and more women have come forward with additional allegations of sexual assault.

A lot of people, especially Trump, are saying it’s a conspiracy, claiming that the stories are all false, the allegations are all false, the collective ‘they’ are trying to ruin his campaign.

A lot of people are asking, “Why didn’t the women come forward before now?”

Here’s where the phrase ‘rape culture’ comes into play. I’ll explain.

In her book Transforming a Rape Culture (published in 1995), Emily Buchwald provides a great explanation of rape culture. One line that stood out to me was:

A rape culture condones physical and emotional terrorism against woman as the norm.

Think about that phrase – physical and emotional terrorism.

Because that’s what Trump is not only condoning, it’s what he does. He physically and emotionally terrorizes women.

And by condoning his behavior, by excusing his behavior, by writing his behavior off as just ‘boys being boys’ or some shit, we, as a society, are letting our mothers, sisters, daughters, granddaughters, and nieces know that this is normal. That it’s OK for a man to say things like that to her. That it’s OK for a man to grab her without her permission.

And maybe even worse though? We’re telling our fathers, brothers, sons, grandsons, and nephews that it’s OK if they talk and act like that, too.

We’re actively participating in and promoting the rape culture.

Back to that question – why didn’t the women now accusing Trump come forward when the alleged crimes occurred?

Do me a favor – do a Google search for ‘why women don’t report rape’ – I’ll wait…
What’d you find? Anything surprising?

Let me ask you a few questions.

If you’re a woman, have you ever been grabbed (or touched or fondled or groped) by someone you didn’t want touching you?

You have, haven’t you?

I know I have. It was a regular occurrence throughout high school.

Did you tell anyone?

No? Why not? I’ll tell you why not – because we live in a rape culture. And telling someone that you’re upset because a guy grabbed your ass gets you what?

“Come on, it’s not like he raped you.”

“Don’t be such a baby – he only did it because you have a great ass. You should take it as a compliment!”

If you’re a man, have you ever grabbed (or touched or fondled or groped) a woman who didn’t tell you she wanted to be touched?

And get off your high horse here. I’m not talking about shaking a woman’s hand.

I’m talking about grabbing her ass.

I’m talking about humping a woman’s ass on the dance floor in a club, even after she tells you to back the fuck off.

I’m talking about cornering a woman and then grabbing her tits.

I’m talking about kissing a woman who has in no way indicated she wants you to kiss her.

Did you know that when that happens, it’s sexual assault?

If you’re a man or a woman, how would you feel if you learned that your mom (or sister or daughter or niece) was walking to her car in a well-lit parking lot when a man approached her, pushed her against the side of her car, covered her mouth with one of his hands and squeezed her tits with the other. And then shoved his hand between her legs to grope her there? And then just ran away. The entire event took less than 60 seconds.

Technically, he didn’t actually hurt her, right? He just copped a feel.

He didn’t threaten her. Hell, he didn’t say anything at all.

He didn’t use a weapon, just over powered her.

So your mom (or sister or daughter or niece) is upset. She comes home crying and tells you what happened.

What do you say?

Do you call the police for her to report the incident? Do you encourage her to call the police?

Or do you look at her and think, “Well, look at the way she’s dressed. She was asking for it.”

Or do you maybe wonder, “Why didn’t she fight back? Hit the guy or something?”

Do you tell her to get over it? Do you tell her it’s not a big deal?

Here’s a fact for you:

Only 25% – 35% of rapes or sexual assaults get reported to the police. I’m going to reverse that statistic for you: 65% – 75% of rapes or sexual assaults are unreported. Women don’t report sexual assault for a variety of reasons.

There’s guilt and shame (if only I hadn’t done this or gone there or said that or wore that dress).

There’s the fact that for every 100 rapes, only 5 will result in a rapist spending a day in prison.

There’s the fact that when women do report a rape, prosecutors say things like, “Well, I met him. He’s really cute. Maybe you just had a weak moment and you thought maybe you could get away with it, and then, after the fact, you realized what you had done and thought, ‘Oh, I shouldn’t have done that, I got upset about it.’”

Yes. That happened – I’m not making this shit up.

We don’t report rape or sexual assault because we live in a rape culture. A culture that blames the victim. A culture that sees nothing wrong with publishing the details of a rape victim (phone number, address) instead of protecting her. A culture that rarely punishes a rapist and, if it does, only enforces minimal sentences.

Now magnify that situation. The perpetrator of the crimes is wealthy and lives by his own set of rules. He believes that it’s his right to kiss and grab women. He honestly believes that all women want him to do that. He doesn’t see anything wrong with his behavior. He’s just a good ole boy. He’s just having some fun.

But here’s the thing. Non-consensual sex is rape.

Let me repeat that.

Non-consensual sex is rape.

But what if…

No. There are no extenuating circumstances. Non-consensual sex is rape.

Attacking or attempting to attack someone with unwanted sexual contact is sexual assault.

Even if you aren’t using force.

Grabbing or fondling someone without their consent is sexual assault.

Verbally threatening someone with rape is sexual assault.

Let’s make this even simpler, shall we?

You are raping someone if you put your dick in another person without that person saying you can.

You are raping someone if you put your mouth on another person’s sex organs without that person saying you can.

You are sexually assaulting someone if you smack, grab, grope, or fondle another person without that person saying you can.

These are not hard concepts to grasp. They are stupidly easy to teach others.

How about we do this.

Instead of making excuses for what one man got caught on tape saying (because ALL men say those things, right?), let’s change our culture.

Let’s make it so we no longer consider physical and emotional terrorism against women to be the norm.